Holland

Someone recommended in a comment that I should read "Welcome to Holland" and it so perfectly describes what my life has become.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND  

by Emily Perl Kingsley. c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

As I see my friends who have these beautiful, healthy children, I hate that my heart breaks.  I would not wish a single person, friend or enemy, to have to go through the grief of having a child with disabilities, but watching their happy family is a little like seeing someone's pictures and hearing their stories about the vacation you've always wanted to take but will never get to. As much as I fight it, a little bit of jealousy seems to sneak through. I almost don't want to include this (but I promised I would be transparent and honest) because I by no means want anyone to feel uncomfortable sharing their struggles as a parent or their wonderful experiences as a parent with me. I want to hear about Italy even though it sometimes stings a little.

The most profound line in this essay that has stuck with me is that Holland is not a horrible disgusting place. It may not be where I wanted to go, but it isn't like life is over, it's just different. I often find myself fearing what else could go wrong (autism, genetic disorders, non-verbal, non-ambulatory, a lifetime of surgeries, etc.) and this helps remind me that even if my worst fears were to come true, God is still God, He is still good, and there is always beauty in seemingly horrible situations. My mom and I were driving past the old rubber factory in Denver on Monday and she commented that they should tear it down. I tried to defend that even this old, graffitied, decrepit building that has become a hub for illicit activities is somehow beautiful. If I can see the beauty in a run down building, I can definitely find beauty in Holland.  Already, I've met some wonderful people who I never would have met otherwise.  So I'm not sure about the rest of this crazy world I've been plopped into, but I can tell you that Holland has some of the most wonderful people (although my friends in Italy are pretty amazing too).