The Worst Could Happen

I believe that although people may have a natural tendency towards optimism or pessimism (or realism as most pessimists like to call it), you still make conscious choices towards one or the other. When things start to look grim, the optimist tries to find the bright side where as the pessimist imagines the most horrible outcome possible. Optimists cling to hope while pessimists cling to fear. It's all a mind game.

After having a totally normal pregnancy turn traumatic at the last minute, I've lost my ability to be an optimist. Once your fears have become reality, the part inside you that convinces you that "the odds of that happening are ridiculously low" or "that won't happen to us" vanishes because you've already been that one in a million. Since the unlikely has already happened once, you no longer believe that it won't happen again with another child or with another situation with this child. Every car ride, doctors appointment, bad day, sneeze, rash, or shiver means possible autism, hospitalization, seizure disorders, illness, surgery, developmental regression, or looming death. Fear becomes more powerful than it ever was before.

I recently bought Jason Grey's CD A Way to See in the Dark and a line from one of the songs keeps playing in my head. It says, "There's no thief like fear." That is such a profound statement to me. Living in fear of what else could go wrong, robs me of the joy in the precious moments I have with my miracle baby. Fear robs me of the memories of the victories we've had along the way so far and will continue to have. Although we've had some very dark days, the good always outweighs the bad in the end. Fear does not win.

So here is our most recent victory, laughter!