Merry Christmas from the Grinch
This time last year, I was confounded by my lack of Christmas spirit. I love this holiday. I play "elf" on Christmas morning and hand out presents to everyone. I can't wait to decorate our house for Christmas. I'm excited to cook a big holiday meal for family and friends. I look forward to each Sunday in Advent. I love buying presents for people. I listen to Christmas music on the radio as soon as they start playing it. I can't wait to spend time together with my family. I genuinely love Christmas.
After spending the last year pondering my change in attitude, I realized we had a couple really, really tough Decembers in a row. Christmas 2010 we were in the last stages of a month long miscarriage. We were really struggling and grieving that loss. I honestly didn't feel like celebrating Jesus' birth after feeling like I was robbed of my baby. Then, leading up to Christmas 2011 I was feeling hopeful, excited for our baby who was due to arrive any day. But after his traumatic arrival and our subsequent month of living in the hospital, Christmas got lost. I didn't want to picture Jesus laying happily in a manger while watching my baby lying helpless in a hospital bed hooked up to machine after machine. Rather than feel angry and distraught about it, we focused on the present and pretty much ignored Christmas all together.
So Christmas 2012 rolls around and I don't feel like decorating, I procrastinate buying presents, I turn off the Christmas music, I avoid playing elf, and I get... grinchy. We went through the motions of putting up a tree, having Christmas dinner, spending time with family, but in the end my heart wasn't in it. I lost my Christmas spirit along the path of crushed expectations. Looking back, there were (and are) so many things I am deeply thankful for during those years, but at the time I honestly couldn't see it.
This year, despite my inclination to be a Grinch, I am trying to push through, to not only to go through the motions but to regain my desire to celebrate Christmas. I'm hand making some presents, singing along to Christmas music, baking cookies, and will hopefully finally decorate our Christmas tree today (better late than never). I really want to get back to a place where I look forward to Christmas. I want Wes to grow up with that.
Anchor Center does a Christmas party every year and gets a wonderful Santa who spends time with each kid in a nice quiet room. Last year we didn't feel like waiting to see Santa and didn't think Wesley would care either way so we skipped it. This year, he was recovering from being sick last week and was just miserable all day. I couldn't get a smile out of him, and he just cried nonstop. I was getting ready to leave, without seeing Santa yet again, when he finally calmed down a little bit. I figured sitting on Santa's lap was probably going to be a disaster still but we might as well try. The moment I handed him off, he stared very intently at Santa's beard and started smiling and laughing! Wesley is ready for Christmas, so I guess I need to keep working to get there too.
After spending the last year pondering my change in attitude, I realized we had a couple really, really tough Decembers in a row. Christmas 2010 we were in the last stages of a month long miscarriage. We were really struggling and grieving that loss. I honestly didn't feel like celebrating Jesus' birth after feeling like I was robbed of my baby. Then, leading up to Christmas 2011 I was feeling hopeful, excited for our baby who was due to arrive any day. But after his traumatic arrival and our subsequent month of living in the hospital, Christmas got lost. I didn't want to picture Jesus laying happily in a manger while watching my baby lying helpless in a hospital bed hooked up to machine after machine. Rather than feel angry and distraught about it, we focused on the present and pretty much ignored Christmas all together.
So Christmas 2012 rolls around and I don't feel like decorating, I procrastinate buying presents, I turn off the Christmas music, I avoid playing elf, and I get... grinchy. We went through the motions of putting up a tree, having Christmas dinner, spending time with family, but in the end my heart wasn't in it. I lost my Christmas spirit along the path of crushed expectations. Looking back, there were (and are) so many things I am deeply thankful for during those years, but at the time I honestly couldn't see it.
This year, despite my inclination to be a Grinch, I am trying to push through, to not only to go through the motions but to regain my desire to celebrate Christmas. I'm hand making some presents, singing along to Christmas music, baking cookies, and will hopefully finally decorate our Christmas tree today (better late than never). I really want to get back to a place where I look forward to Christmas. I want Wes to grow up with that.
Anchor Center does a Christmas party every year and gets a wonderful Santa who spends time with each kid in a nice quiet room. Last year we didn't feel like waiting to see Santa and didn't think Wesley would care either way so we skipped it. This year, he was recovering from being sick last week and was just miserable all day. I couldn't get a smile out of him, and he just cried nonstop. I was getting ready to leave, without seeing Santa yet again, when he finally calmed down a little bit. I figured sitting on Santa's lap was probably going to be a disaster still but we might as well try. The moment I handed him off, he stared very intently at Santa's beard and started smiling and laughing! Wesley is ready for Christmas, so I guess I need to keep working to get there too.
Look how far he's come:
Reading this post, I am reminded that you and Colby's faith has been refined like few other Christians I know. It has been an incredibly rough road, but I have a feeling that you know the Lord better than most people ever will because of it. So keep on keeping on, Megan, and know that you are such an encouragement to so many people.
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