Onward and Upward

Deciding to have a second child seems to be a difficult decision for everyone. I hear one after another of my friends who have one child question if they really want another. Their reasoning generally seems reasonable, "I have my hands full already," "I feel fulfilled loving just this one child," "Childcare is really expensive," etc. etc. But then I see person after person announcing second pregnancies or sending out family pictures with their 2, 3, 4 children. In reality, I know very few people who are an only child. So what happens to make the decision to expand your family? There are so many emotional struggles in making such a choice. For us, the choice was both exciting and utterly terrifying, but ultimately I knew I didn't want Wes to be an only child.

The standard ambivalence felt by most parents is compounded when you have a special needs child. After you already unexpectedly ended up in Holland (see previous post), you don't really want to plan another trip. I am faced with two oddly conflicting fears.

1) What if it happens again and we end up back in Holland? What if something goes wrong and we find ourselves parents of a second special needs child. The stress of therapy, doctors, and the gigantic unknown of the future often seems overwhelming enough with just Wes but to double that seems unbearable. To have another child who has to struggle and fight for every milestone seems heartbreaking. In Holland, I've met so many other families and seen a vast array of what else could go "wrong," but yet these kids aren't "wrong"; they are special and unique and have amazing loving families. So at the same time...

2) What if it doesn't happen again and we end up in Italy? I have forgotten all the preparations we made for Italy in my efforts to embrace Holland. I know my way around this world I'm in now. I can navigate the systems and I am gradually becoming fluent in Dutch. I don't even remember how to say hello in Italian. And somewhere, part of me fears that Italy was really better than Holland all along but I've managed to convince myself otherwise in order to cope. If we end up with an Italy baby, how will I then feel about Holland? The Italy I once dreamed of is no longer a possibility.

So I go to my OB appointments scared that something will go wrong, but deep down also scared that something won't. I have learned (and am definitely still learning) how to take care of Wesley. Having a "normal" child will be like starting from scratch, like becoming a new parent all over again. We have no reason to believe this will be anything other than a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby, but with so many unknowns still lingering around Wesley's birth, fear is always lurking. Every unexpected pain, every lull in movement, and every ultrasound holds the potential of bearing devastating news. The thought of having a repeat c-section and going into another OR produces immense anxiety as does the thought of going into labor naturally and fearing at any moment we might lose the heartbeat.

Amidst all this, I am reminded that I need not worry or be anxious. I am clueless and feel unprepared for what our future holds; however, I serve a God who is loving and is neither clueless, unprepared, nor worried. If it were up to me, I wouldn't even know the path I should choose for our future. So, I find peace in knowing it's not up to me and who it is up to, loves me unconditionally. (Matthew 6)

 

Baby Girl Bowser (who we are currently calling our little Strawberry) should be making her appearance in late June.