Worth It

Over the past week, I have been pondering the past. I generally am not a past dweller. I don't have a good appreciation for history and I have a horrible memory. These characteristics tend to keep me in the present and worrying too much about the distant future rather than reliving the past. However, this week I'm there. Remembering. And in that place, the tragedies, heartache, suffering of many friends and family members all come back with new sadness. The faces of parents, spouses, friends, and children grieving at funerals come back vividly. And beyond the pain that I've observed first hand, the reality of individuals suffering on a global level hits home more deeply. Maybe it's as I get older, or maybe it's having become one of "those people" who everyone feels bad for, sympathizes with, and hopes to never have to walk in those shoes, but I can no longer see suffering from a removed place. Those wives whose husbands were in the World Trade Center are real people just like me and my friends. Those parents whose child dies just days after birth are real people. The potential for bad things to happen to anyone is more and more apparent. Tragedy seems more personal. The past is filled with wonderful memories to be savored as well but the culmination of 28 short years of experience and observation of the reality of a broken world leaves me a little lost for purpose.

 

In my opinion: (meaning I'm not claiming to be some prophetess or even a theologian, this is simply the conclusions my heart has come to in the last few days)

In creation, God's desire was not for humanity to sin. His desire was not for this world to be broken. He didn't desire for there to be heartbreak, sickness, pain, depression, death. The perfection of His creation didn't include any of those things. But it did include the potential for sin. More than just the potential, He knew how the whole story would play out. When beginning creation, He knew we would fail and He would need to send His Son as a sacrifice for us. He knew the big picture and yet still created us. His love for us has been so complete, so abundant that knowing we would turn our back on Him, knowing we would make such a mess of His perfect creation, knowing we would bring about all this evil, He still chose us.

He not only still created us, but He still created us with the freedom to make those mistakes. He knew we would choose poorly, and yet still gave us that choice. Why? There must be something incredibly powerful, incredibly important about our ability to choose the path we take. There must be something incredibly important to be gained from all this pain. I am absolutely convinced that our God is not impotent. The world is not broken because He is incapable of fixing it. Creation didn't fall apart before His eyes as He sat there in shock and grief over the loss of what He thought would happen. His reactions are not the same as ours because He is not limited as we are. There must be something of great worth to be learned from this brokenness. Our existence came at a tremendous cost. Sacrificing a child is an unimaginable hardship. Being one with the Father and then being forsaken by Him is an unfathomable pain. Yet knowing all that would be necessary, we were still created.

I feel clueless most of the time as to the purpose, the good to come out of difficulties. We get little glimpses of positives here and there but it never seems like quite enough to balance out the incredible suffering that takes place. In those moments, I must return to the understanding that I am so trapped inside my own world. My linear and minuscule view of the entirety of existence prevents me from understanding. But I know in my heart that God is good, He is love, and to Him who knows the whole story, we are worth it. Call it a crutch if you want, but it ultimately is not about feeling good or using God to get through the day. It's about knowing there is a higher purpose, a higher power and having faith that to Him, I am worth it all.