"Elective" C-Section
During one of my very early OB appointments, the midwife handed me a paper outlining the risks and benefits of a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) compared to a repeat c-section. The paper was very clear that they promote VBAC and generally consider it the safer option for mom and baby (even though the medical community strongly advocated otherwise not even 30 years ago). So, taking their medical advice, we have been planning a natural birth this entire pregnancy. Through most of this pregnancy, I have been able to keep my fear in check and have held strong through appointment after appointment taking in the good news that our little Strawberry is doing wonderfully. I've had moments of anxiety and definitely times where I'm fearful of our future, but generally I've been able to hold my chin up and push on.
Then I hit 38 weeks... Wesley was born at 38 weeks and 1 day. All the sudden I was hit with the reality that this little baby whose been growing inside me for the past 9 months must come out. Of course I've intellectually known this all along, but suddenly as I hit the point in this pregnancy where we nearly lost Wesley, the fear came flooding in.
Is she really still healthy?
Is my body going to do the same unknown thing that caused Wesley's heart to stop?
Is labor going to be too difficult on her?
Will we even know it if something starts to go wrong?
Are we going to lose our little girl?
The reality of the trauma of Wesley's birth is now so apparent I can't believe I didn't recognize it sooner. This week I found myself in the OB office for an extra visit and a non-stress test to make sure my ever so slightly elevated blood pressure, mild headaches, and slight swelling weren't anything to be concerned about. Tests looked great but my conversation with the midwife (one I hadn't met before) got me seriously reconsidering our birth plan. The midwife very innocently asked about Wesley's birth and in a few seconds I found myself in tears trying to recount the day. I've told the story so many times by this point that I have gotten very good at sharing the important facts and maintaining my composure, but not this time. Soon after, I was leaving the appointment with a report that "Strawberry" couldn't look better and instructions to come back on Wednesday for my 39 week visit.
Fast forward two days (past intense, tearful conversations with my mom, Colby, a great friend, and my doctor) and I am scheduled for a c-section Monday morning. Here's the conclusion I came to after all of these conversations. We are fairly certain that our baby girl is thriving right now. Her movements, heartbeat, and ultrasounds all look great (but so did Wesley's). So, my decision making based on fear tells me to go ahead and do a c-section while we know she's ok rather than risk something happening again during labor. But I hate making decisions based on fear. Ultimately, I think I'm giving myself too much credit for my ability to control the situation. If it is God's will for us to have a healthy baby (or not), I'm not going to change that based on my choice between VBAC and a repeat c-section. So... my decision becomes about the type of birth I want to experience.
If you had asked me 3 years ago if I'd ever get an "elective" c-section I would have adamantly denied it but sitting here today, I feel so at peace with this decision. Knowing the emotional place I'm in right now, going through labor will be filled with intense anxiety. I will never have the birth I dreamed of 3 years ago because my understanding of reality is not the same. I need to be on monitors and be sure her heartbeat is constantly strong and stable. I will not be able to relax in the Jacuzzi or pace the hallways like I thought I wanted because it's more important for me to know my baby is still safe. The reality of a normal healthy pregnancy resulting in a stillborn baby is all too forward in my mind. Then, add to that the 30% chance with attempted VBAC that a c-section will still be necessary (likely resulting in a repeat of our rush to the OR), and I'm convinced that is not the healing, peaceful birth I'm after. Instead, we're opting for a calm, scheduled, peaceful c-section where I know what's going to happen and am assured to be awake to hear her cry and meet my baby girl right away. Part of me feels like a failure or like I'm not being brave for bailing on our VBAC plan (and taking on the extended and more intense recovery that comes along with a major surgery). I know there is no guanantee that things will go as planned, but ultimately my intense fear has subsided (to mild fear) and I'm once again eagerly awaiting meeting our baby girl!!
Then I hit 38 weeks... Wesley was born at 38 weeks and 1 day. All the sudden I was hit with the reality that this little baby whose been growing inside me for the past 9 months must come out. Of course I've intellectually known this all along, but suddenly as I hit the point in this pregnancy where we nearly lost Wesley, the fear came flooding in.
Is she really still healthy?
Is my body going to do the same unknown thing that caused Wesley's heart to stop?
Is labor going to be too difficult on her?
Will we even know it if something starts to go wrong?
Are we going to lose our little girl?
The reality of the trauma of Wesley's birth is now so apparent I can't believe I didn't recognize it sooner. This week I found myself in the OB office for an extra visit and a non-stress test to make sure my ever so slightly elevated blood pressure, mild headaches, and slight swelling weren't anything to be concerned about. Tests looked great but my conversation with the midwife (one I hadn't met before) got me seriously reconsidering our birth plan. The midwife very innocently asked about Wesley's birth and in a few seconds I found myself in tears trying to recount the day. I've told the story so many times by this point that I have gotten very good at sharing the important facts and maintaining my composure, but not this time. Soon after, I was leaving the appointment with a report that "Strawberry" couldn't look better and instructions to come back on Wednesday for my 39 week visit.
Fast forward two days (past intense, tearful conversations with my mom, Colby, a great friend, and my doctor) and I am scheduled for a c-section Monday morning. Here's the conclusion I came to after all of these conversations. We are fairly certain that our baby girl is thriving right now. Her movements, heartbeat, and ultrasounds all look great (but so did Wesley's). So, my decision making based on fear tells me to go ahead and do a c-section while we know she's ok rather than risk something happening again during labor. But I hate making decisions based on fear. Ultimately, I think I'm giving myself too much credit for my ability to control the situation. If it is God's will for us to have a healthy baby (or not), I'm not going to change that based on my choice between VBAC and a repeat c-section. So... my decision becomes about the type of birth I want to experience.
If you had asked me 3 years ago if I'd ever get an "elective" c-section I would have adamantly denied it but sitting here today, I feel so at peace with this decision. Knowing the emotional place I'm in right now, going through labor will be filled with intense anxiety. I will never have the birth I dreamed of 3 years ago because my understanding of reality is not the same. I need to be on monitors and be sure her heartbeat is constantly strong and stable. I will not be able to relax in the Jacuzzi or pace the hallways like I thought I wanted because it's more important for me to know my baby is still safe. The reality of a normal healthy pregnancy resulting in a stillborn baby is all too forward in my mind. Then, add to that the 30% chance with attempted VBAC that a c-section will still be necessary (likely resulting in a repeat of our rush to the OR), and I'm convinced that is not the healing, peaceful birth I'm after. Instead, we're opting for a calm, scheduled, peaceful c-section where I know what's going to happen and am assured to be awake to hear her cry and meet my baby girl right away. Part of me feels like a failure or like I'm not being brave for bailing on our VBAC plan (and taking on the extended and more intense recovery that comes along with a major surgery). I know there is no guanantee that things will go as planned, but ultimately my intense fear has subsided (to mild fear) and I'm once again eagerly awaiting meeting our baby girl!!
Big boy, ready to be a big brother!
I think you have made a wonderful and brave decision to go with the c-section plan, knowing that you are taking your own personal risks and extended recovery to ensure her safe (as possible) delivery into this world. Can't wait to meet little Strawberry!
ReplyDeleteSo proud to call you my friend. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteFaith does not depend on C section vs VB. Sounds to me like you are making the wisest decision possible. The rest is in God's hands. Praying for full peace for you. Your Illinois church family will be waiting to hear about baby girl. Let us know a date and you'll be on our prayer chain.
ReplyDeleteMegan, l am so proud of you. People may want to say to you that you are the strongest person they know and as a matter of fact I was just getting ready to post that. What we may not always realize is that with that strength comes a lot of sacrifices, decision making, and fear. So even though I truly do believe that you are the strongest person I know, you are also the most faithful person I know. Because without Gods grace we would never be able to be as strong as we are. Someday I will tell you the story of how I, too had a C-Section for my second birth. And even though it wasn't voluntary for me, I am so thankful that my doctor made that decision because the risk of what could have happened to me again and this time possibly a risk to our beautiful Jess was more than I myself could comprehend at the time. I know now that Gods hand was there even though at that time I wasn't anywhere near the faithful person you are. I wish you and you family the best and cannot wait to.meet that precious little one. Now we will have to fight over holding two of your precious ones with Julie and Jay at church! God bless you all!
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